I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
