sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just forgot I was standing up.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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