Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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