it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
