Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
