I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
