So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
