either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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