my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
