My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
