i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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