nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
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It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
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I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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