You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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