She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
