his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Is Oprah even human
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
