Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
