Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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