the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
