Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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