Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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