Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
