I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
