You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
