Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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