He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
