even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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