i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
