just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
