so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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