i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You pole danced in your parka.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
