This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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