Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
don't judge my taste in strippers
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
