The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
