My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
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Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
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I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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