The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
