whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
