I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
