dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
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My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
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OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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