guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
