What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
