I think im going to throw up on grandma
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
