I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
