I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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