You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
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Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
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How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack