In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.