all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
