In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
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You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
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She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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