My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
