she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My liver just had a heart attack.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
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So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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