I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
