your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
