He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
