I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
