You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
