Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I CAN MOONWALK!
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
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We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
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That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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