go do what you do best...puke behind churches
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
