can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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