you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
