my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
