i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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